As I've been building this blog, I've wanted to hold to a few ideas about it's purpose. There's the obvious news of what's happening with my work in the art world, and then there's also the intimate look inside of my studio at the work I'm currently doing, and how I do it. But the final element that I feel is so essential to the success of this blog is the insight into my mind- that is to say, the side of my mind afflicted with an "illness". It is a very common illness, bipolar disorder, but I still feel it's important for me to express my experience with it on the day-to-day, since my artwork is dealing with such issues on a larger scale.
Today has been a quiet reminder of some of the things that make life a bit tricky for myself. They aren't so much of a burden, or a road-block ...more like a shoe full of sharp pebbles and "stickers". They won't stop me from walking, they just make it very hard to concentrate on anything else, and I have to take frequent breaks to try to "empty out my shoe" (so to say). Oddly, just writing about it makes me feel better. I'm feeling the uneasiness of unstable moods, just beneath the surface. They're a lot like the waves in the ocean as they begin to swell, ominous of a torrential storm. But I have no way of knowing if the storm will come, or breeze past me... all I can do is tighten my life-preserver and stay close to a life raft.
Painting is difficult on days like this. I have trouble focusing on one thing, and the shifting moods seem to act like a conduit for daydreams and negative outlooks. It's difficult to work inch-by-inch on a large painting when it feels obsolete. Work becomes a moot point and I have to strain to rid myself of any negativity so that I can put my efforts towards making progress. It's times like this I question a lot of things, like why I paint. Why should I continue? Who am I in this huge world of "unique" artists? Does it even really matter? ...but then again, does it really matter? I mean, the purpose of an artist is not to merely compete with others for the dream of one day having a book written about you or your name in a history book. The art should be purely from within- expressive, communicative, therapeutic... and many other things. But they are things that should be beneficial only to the artist himself/herself. It's the recognition by others of this deeper purpose that makes the work great. The only way to be great is to not try to be great at all, rather, it is to merely better yourself for yourself.
Sometimes just thinking about all this in written form allows me to gather my thoughts into an orderly fashion so that I don't continue losing myself in the sea of scattered, sometimes racing thoughts. When you let yourself float and be pushed around by the swells of the ocean, you are letting go of control; you are allowing yourself to be battered by every wave that hits. Instead I need to remind myself to stay my course, ride with the waves, but never let them sway me from where I am headed. Easier said than done. But, then again, some days are just a lot trickier than others.
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